thankfulness

the last few weeks have flown by! but have been full of good things.

like for instance, reconnecting with a dearly loved friend. in person. miss chelsea allen was in town and i cannot describe to you how wonderfully peaceful and inspiring and just all around beautiful it was to be with her. there is just something about the people that you have served with, and particularly the ones i've served at bosch with, that just transcends everything. the connection is so much deeper and so pure and beautiful. i may not see them very often or even be able to tell you basic things about their lives, but there is nothing i wouldn't do for them. our souls are friends.

there is also the matter of two of my favorite people ever. time spent with diane and elyse is never without laughter. these two were my rock during some of the most difficult times of my life, both academically and personally. i love that we all became friends with each other independently, that people can never understand how we're all such close friends, and how much our friendship has grown over the last three years. they've always pushed and encouraged me, and i am a better person because of them. and a much happier one.

thanksgiving was also so wonderful. a table full of amazingly delicious food and my family. this year has blessed us with two new family members and although i have yet to meet one of the babies, the one i have met has warmed our hearts in just a few short months.

last week something special happened that pretty much served as a reminder and a sign that i'm pursuing the right path. and last night i got some good news. so right now, although the last few weeks have been wearing me out, i couldn't be happier. the right things are happening and i'm learning a lot along the way.

'here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten

chairs to sit and sidewalks to walk on

oh you had it but oh no you lost it

looking back you shouldn't have fought it'

--'horchata,' vampire weekend

oh f. scott fitzgerald...

"'Clark,' she said softly, 'I wouldn't change you for the world. You're sweet the way you are. The things that'll make you fail I'll love always--the living in the past, the lazy days and nights you have, and all your carelessness and generosity.'

'But you're goin' away?'

'Yes--because I couldn't ever marry you. You've a place in my heart no one else ever could have, but tied down here I'd get restless. I'd feel I was--wastin' myself. There's two sides to me, you see. There's the sleepy old side you love; an' there's a sort of energy--the feelin' that makes me do wild things. That's the part of me that may be useful somewhere, that'll last when I'm not beautiful any more.'"

--"The Ice Palace"

"He did not understand all he had heard, but from his clandestine glimpse into the privacy of these two, with all the world that his short experience could conceive of at their feet, he had gathered that life for everybody was a struggle, sometimes magnificent from a distance, but always difficult and surprisingly simple and a little sad."

--"The Freshest Boy"

"Brick Wales went on playing, unconscious that he had done anything in particular or that he had contributed to the events by which another boy was saved from the army of the bitter, the selfish, the neurasthenic and the unhappy. It isn't given to us to know those rare moments when people are wide open and the lightest touch can wither or heal. A moment too late and we can never reach them any more in this world. They will not be cured by our most efficacious drugs or slain with our sharpest swords."

--"The Freshest Boy"

"He believed in character; he wanted to jump back a whole generation and trust in character again as the eternally valuable element. Everything else wore out."

--"Babylon Revisited"

"Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go according to any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material."

--"Babylon Revisited"

"Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead."

--The Great Gatsby

"In the dead white hours in Zurich staring into a stranger's pantry across the upshine of a streetlamp, he used to think that he wanted to be good, he wanted to be kind, he wanted to be brave and wise, but it was all pretty difficult. He wanted to be loved, too, if he could fit it in."

--Tender Is the Night

"Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure and the memory so possessed him that for the moment there was nothing to do but to pretend."

--Tender Is the Night

"One writes of scars healed, a loose parallel to the pathology of the skin, but there is no such thing in the life of an individual. There are open wounds, shrunk sometimes to the size of a pin-prick but wounds still. The marks of suffering are more comparable to the loss of a finger, or of the sight of an eye. We may not miss them, either, for one minute in a year, but if we should there is nothing to be done about it."

--Tender Is the Night

"Good manners are an admission that everybody is so tender that they have to be handled with gloves. Now, human respect--you don't call a man a coward or a liar lightly, but if you spend your life sparing people's feelings and feeding their vanity, you get so you can't distinguish what should be respected in them."

--Tender Is the Night

more gems from the past week...

garden of magic

halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays ever since i was young. the mix of magic, dressing up, candy, spookiness, legends and folklore--it all combines to make the most marvelous mix. i love all things associated with halloween.

this year was low-key. an afternoon of pumpkin carving and baking. playing dress up. running out of candy alarmingly fast. watching two of my favorite movies: 'hocus pocus' and 'the goonies.'

we kept the decorations simple

costumes

fish kisses

she's a natural

when it's not raining, the fall weather has been unbelievably gorgeous. the leaves are bold and bright. the sun is warm and comforting. and even though mentally i am still stuck in july and can barely believe that it's actually november, i am enjoying the fall so very much.

[other highlights of the past week: midnight prayer with dory. coffee with elyse. seeing roush after forever. afternoon with sima and her babies (because malia is without a doubt my soulmate). afternoon visit to tech.]

recap

oh. last weekend was the fourth and last project mona for this year. and it was so good! i'm talking lots of laughter, lots of learning, lots of bonding and ending with most of the kids jumping fully clothed into the pool! which is not to say that we didn't have downs, because we had some major ones, but they were manageable. and the good totally outweighed the bad.

i came home from the weekend exhausted but totally happy. and it brings so much happiness to my heart to think of the four other people who are part of the coordinating team. because, honestly, they are so awesome and i'm so thankful that these projects have given me the opportunity to learn from them and with them and to be inspired by them.

seriously, so much beauty!

this past weekend was also full of some goodness. went to a third eye blind concert, studied a baha'i book with some of the youth, watched georgia tech's homecoming game, looked at the stars and had some quality 'jumpoline' time. i was so looking forward to some exciting events that are happening next weekend, but unfortunately i will be unable to make them. and instead of lamenting this, i'm trying to be thankful for all the other good things that have come my way. and there is still halloween with my two favorites!

game plan for this week: tackling the stack of books that are sitting in my room, baking, visiting some of my favorite little ones, catching up on overdue phone calls and making some major headway on grad school applications.

summer's end

end-of-summer obsessions:

harry potter. chuck. coconut records. dead man's bones. sleeping with the windows open. daydreaming and making plans. reminiscing. iced hazelnut cappuccinos. my so-called life.

tennessee has always been so good to me. and this year was no different. full of getting to meet new people and finally getting to know people i've known for years. talks with depth and encouragement. inspiration and sparks being lit. a mix of seriousness and lightheartedness. laughing loud and long in a way i haven't in way too long. getting to know some amazing children who have pure hearts. being reminded that the valley of love is all about pain and that pain is to help us become more awesome. i am fortunate to know some amazing and beautiful people.

(this is the majority of the youth and young adults i had the privilege of spending the long weekend with)

i am so excited to see what the fall will bring!

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.

--Roald Dahl

i'm trying to find my way back to who i am and want to be.

things

i spent last weekend in wisconsin, marveling at the mid-western lifestyle. there is something so simple and pure in the way they live their lives. overall, it was a good weekend, full of excitement and relaxation, good food and good conversation. and two beautifully wonderful movies which raised some interesting questions and got us thinking.

as far as this weekend goes, it was pretty much the usual. i smiled when i happened to walk in on two of my youth, both male, practicing ballroom dancing with each other during study circle. lili has gotten chubby and even more beautiful and she is slowly showing her personality more. she makes me happy.

friday night i spent in the company of one of my favorite people. we caught up on our lives and during the course of our conversations, d asked me all the hard questions that no one else has asked. and although they were difficult to answer, it was nice to be able to talk and be heard and receive some guidance. it's been so long since anyone has bothered to ask me questions of importance and actually cared to hear the response, which partly explains why i have been silent for quite some time now. i'm more inspired and am making some strides towards unsticking myself.

some highlights of the last few weeks

things that have made me exceedingly happy

just in the last week.


dance party in the parking lot of the baha'i center during project mona. michael jackson blaring from brandon's car and the crazy dancing that ensued.

the looks julian and i exchanged as we tried our best not to burst out in laughter during sessions with the junior youth.

the junior youth at project mona. julian and my group was a riot. but they also had some beautiful insights.

mouzhan and thumper. their marriage is brilliant. their children are beautiful. and they are pillars of support for me during project mona. not to mention their laughter is infectious.

late night movie watching with my cousins.

whispered conversations with tessa late at night.

my grandmother's irrestible laughter.

our recent day trip to tennessee.

my beautiful new cousin lili.

there's a lot to be thankful for these last few weeks.

summer, kind of wonderful

i have that restless feeling. the kind that is so easily calmed by a certain spot nestled in the redwood forest. or by sleeping outside under the night sky nestled next to three of my loves. but sadly, that is not to happen this summer. which is not to say the summer is not as sweet.

an incomplete list of reasons why this summer is already juicy:
carefree days. reading lots and lots. lightening bugs. ice cream almost every night. movies. camarilla reunion. swimming. laughter. trampolines. possibility. fitzgerald. board games. planning. and most recently: a beautiful, new cousin who i already adore and another one who will be born any day now.

and the next few weeks only promise more excitement and happiness!

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, 'Stay awhile.'
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, 'It's simple,' they say,
'and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.'

--"When I Am Among the Trees," Mary Oliver

yesterday i was attacked, on two separate occasions, by a large amount of hugs from children. one set of eight year olds and one set of ten year olds. these hugs were so overwhelming that i very nearly collapsed as a result of the intensity.

moments like that fill me with a sense of pure happiness and sheer joy. and make me so thankful.

some things

news has slowly been trickling out that i'm no longer moving overseas at the end of the month. and the reactions have ranged from extreme disappointment to acceptance to elation. everyone had their own opinion to make about my decision, but the best came in the form of wise wisdom (via Shoghi Effendi) to "act as though you made the right decision."

and so far, things have been going smoothly and i think i just might be headed in the right direction. and for that, i am so thankful.

this blog post by john mayer is phenomenal. love it.

also, i am newly in love with coconut records.

indian summer

as the weather has been getting warmer, i have been slowly become more and more restless. every year around this time, my body starts craving the summer. the warmth of the sun on bare shoulders. the smell of the outdoors. the cool breeze that helps make the humidity more bearable. the feel of bare feet outdoors. barbecues and bonfires. ice cream all the time. the smell of chlorine and the refreshing coolness of the pool. the glow of lightning bugs. the freedom and spontaneity.

places that are calling my name:
yosemite. bosch. maine. st. simon's island. tree houses. north carolina. tennessee. kusadasi. venice. london. hawaii.

lucky

i have the most wonderful, beautiful, supportive and inspiring friends. and this week was full of special interactions. from immense laughter that has yet to fade last sunday, to meaningful discussions with my bestest on tuesday, to the beautiful mix of laughter and seriousness and comfort that i will never tire of with diane and elyse on thursday, to the joy that a certain couple and their precious daughter brings to my heart on friday.

so thankful.

:)

mis.communication

my family has always failed at communication. i'm sure this has played a role in my becoming great at listening and horrible at being heard.

in other news: i'm tired of making decisions with other people's interests in mind. it's about time i focus on myself. and not in the selfish way, because if there is one thing i can't stand, it's when people make decisions and take actions with only themselves in mind.

I want to tell you that most of the nation and the majority of the people are in perfect ignorance. They are trying night and day to do something to destroy the foundation of man. There are among them political fights and wars. There are conflicts and disturbances. Every day they are inventing new instruments for the destruction of human life. There are among them also religious disputes and conflicts and disputes of patriotism. You hardly find two men between whom there is real harmony and sympathy.

Now you must do your best, so that you may be able to remove all these conflicts and disputes. You will change this darkness into light; you will change this hatred and menace into love and harmony, because your aim is a glorious one.

It is sure you will have to endure many difficulties in this Cause and that great obstacles will come before you. You will have many hindrances. But you must confront all and you must endure all these difficulties.

You must give up all differences among you--differences of opinion--and work for the same aim. You must be qualified with divine attributes, so that the Word of God may assist you, so that the bounties of God may descend upon you. And know that without the help of the Holy Spirit you will not be able to do this. And the magnetism of the Word of God is sincerity of intention. And until you are entirely severed from yourself and emptied of yourself, you will never be sincere enough.

You must entirely sacrifice yourself. You must close your eyes to all rest. You must give up even your happiness and your enjoyments so that you may be able to do this.

It is true that you will be blamed very much and you will have some difficulties and troubles. It is sure that people will show enmity toward you, and it is possible your own relatives even will try to oppose you. But you must be firm. And if you will be firm and steadfast, be sure that you will become victorious. You will be the cause of the union of the world of humanity.

As Christ said to a rich man: 'Go, and give all you have, and take up your cross and come and be My follower.' This saying of Christ's indicates that unless one is free from everything, one cannot be a real follower of Christ.

--'Abdu'l-Baha

broken-winged bird

it's been a long time since i was as broken as i was last week. last week was so full of tears and making difficult decisions that i pray i will not regret for the rest of my life. but my hopes are high that in the end, i made the right decision.

"...Life never gives us what we want at the moment that we consider appropriate. Adventures do occur, but not punctually." --E.M. Forster

sadly, my important decision-making is not yet over. so please pray that i will be able to make the right ones with clarity and in a wise and timely manner.

this week has been a breath of fresh air so far. and next week looks to be the same. full of cousins, learning new british phrases, laughter, delicious food, baby showers and bridal showers. thank you.


O God! O God! This is a broken-winged bird and his flight is very slow--assist him so that he may fly toward the apex of prosperity and salvation, wing his way with the utmost joy and happiness throughout the illimitable space...
--'Abdu'l-Baha

things we lost in the fire

during my brother's spring break, i came to a sad realization. i don't recognize my own laugh anymore. unacceptable.

only the boys showed up to study circle last week, and during the course of our study we started talking about the equality of women and men. so i took advantage of the opportunity to impress upon them that this gender equality would only happen when men started fighting for the rights of women. and how important it is for them to help empower and encourage the women in their lives to become stronger. how the girls they go to school with act the way they do because that's how society tells them to behave. they completely understood that men will bring about gender equality, but they struggled to understand my latter points. i so wished that there was a man to better imprint this information on their souls.

so when my best and i cheerfully reunited a few days ago, during the course of our conversations we realized that we had both come to the same, startling conclusion about our lives. and that some serious changes were necessary. and i am terrified for us as we embark on our new adventures, but at the same time i cannot help but to be so optimistic and excited. great things are in store!

even as i say all that, the plans that i have been working on forever (four years of planning, one of actually setting things in motion) are in the process of crumbling. and i am desperately scrambling to pull them back together. my mom says that when things fall apart like this, it's because something even better is supposed to happen. i am struggling to understand this and to accept it. i trust that whatever is meant to happen will. but i know that i have to put in my fair share of the effort to get there.

me, i got nothing. You got plenty something.

remembering

it's been four years since caswell died. it's still hard to believe. he would have been sixteen by now. i wonder how the dynamics of the junior youth/youth group would have been different if he had still been alive. caswell's was the first funeral i ever went to. and the hardest.

whenever i think of caswell, i am reminded of his sarcastic chuckle, the twinkle in his eye and his boundless energy. but most of all, i remember the children's classes i used to teach at his house: of coloring, playing baseball in the front yard with the neighbors, jumping on trampolines in the fading light of dusk, playing tag and hide-and-go-seek in the darkness of the backyard, catching lightning bugs during the summer nights.

take only what you need from it

my dad is doing much better. and i am growing more and more hopeful as the days pass. the weather is gorgeous.

now if only i wasn't so indecisive about major life decisions...




i've been listening to this song for months now. and i still love it.

mother may i?

so...in the chaos of yesterday and the family emergency that occurred, i've (re)learned something about myself and the world around me.

i am a caretaker. not in the traditional sense. and not in the selfless, non-complaining sense.

but this is who i've always been. i've always been the one who keeps tabs on everyone in group situations. i've always been the one that remembers birthdays and events and celebrations. i've always been the one people come to when they need consoling words of advice, encouragement, and whatever else they needed to hear.

and that's all fine and dandy. except for when it comes to give-and-take. because, except for my family, very few people have ever offered to take care of me. most have taken without giving. and i need my own fair share of advice and encouragement and to be remembered every once in a while.

so with that said, thank you to those beautiful individuals who have loved me and taken care of me and maintained a balanced, equal relationship with me. who have always been concerned with my well-being, whether physical or emotional. who have been there, forgive the cliche, through thick and through thin. anne, beth, diane, dory, elyse, emily, mary beth, sallie. i honestly don't know what i would do without you guys.

recent ponderings

--i'm trying to understand love:
"To love another person is to see the face of God." --Victor Hugo

"Love the creatures for the sake of God and not for themselves."(Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 92)

--motivation: where does it come from and how can it be created?

--culture clash: as a child of two cultures, i am realizing more and more that i don't understand either one of them. and i don't feel as though i belong to either one.

--the halo effect: essentially, we judge the "goodness" of people based on their outer appearance. the more attractive we find them, the more likely we are to assume that person is "good." what happens when we stop judging people based on their looks and start focusing on their Godly attributes?

--forgiveness: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." --Gandhi

--success: society measures through career and wealth. which means absolutely nothing.
"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit under." --Greek proverb

"Let deeds, not words, be your adorning." (Baha'u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words)

"...sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living."
--Jonathan Safran Foer

spent

i haven't been able to shake my exhaustion lately. exhaustion coming from so many different directions: from pressure to be more and do more. from the stress of things not going as planned. from the countless drives made downtown. from empty promises. from neglect. from hypocrites. i am just tired. i am tired of giving and giving and others taking from me without giving in return. and i know the answer is to just keep giving, but every once in a while it would be nice to take.

the last weekend in january: perfection masked by difficulty. my patience/temper was definitely tested. all the better as it definitely needs testing in order to be refined. oh goodness. i spent the weekend at the home of a couple who i have known for ten years now. and they are now married with two children. two beautiful children who are amazingly wonderful and who possess the most wonderful virtues. and the couple, with their constant support and love and encouragement. i am continuously amazed by the beautiful people i have been fortunate enough to meet.

i realized the other day that the majority of my time is spent with either people over the age of 30 or under 18. which is fine as, besides a few notable exceptions, i am not a fan of kids my age, they wear me out with their incessant nonsense and silliness. and these notable exceptions, oh gosh, they are so beautiful. and i can't get enough of them. regardless, i am in love with the people i have been interacting with lately.

the other day i was suddenly reminded of the fact that i'm not supposed to be here right now. that if my plans hadn't been thwarted midway through, i would not be where i am right now physically. and that, probably, this delay is serving some purpose. that there is more for me to learn and observe and absorb before i leave. so instead of sitting back idly, i am reminded to continue to absorb from the beautiful people that i know. and to plan some trips to visit the beauties i know who don't live nearby (and of those lovelies, there are too many and my heart is anxious to see them and to get to know them better).

there is always room for growth and love.

transitions

the last few days have been good. surprisingly good. it was a long weekend full of bundling up in layers upon layers to go door-to-door teaching in the cold, impromptu dinner guests, finally getting to spend some time with my bestest, socializing with my youth, my little brother being home, watching 24 with my dad, seeing love radiating everywhere.

all good. with only one slight, embarassing mishap that put a damper on things. but that served as a reminder that i need to stop being so careless and to be more mindful of what i am doing. i am too easily distracted.

the long weekend also brought news of an engagement. my cousin will be getting married soon and i am so excited for them! my cousin and i first met in april 1994 and we couldn't stand each other. it wasn't until two years later that we became friends. and it wasn't until 1998 that our friendship was solidified when her family came to visit us in louisville. 10 months later my family moved to atlanta and a new chapter of our friendship began.

this is the girl i spent the majority of middle and high school with. i would spend days at her house in the summertime where we would flip through magazines, watch music videos and spend hours at the pool. we would stay up into the early hours of the morning talking about everything. we were thankful to have each other at a time when persian get-togethers took place every other weekend. without her, my social life would have been extremely lacking. to this day, i am still in love with her laugh.

and while i am so happy for her, i am also sad. just last sunday, we were waxing nostalgia on our childhood. on the beauty of being young and the hours we would spend together. we talked about trying to resurrect those days, but i doubt we would even know how to go about doing that. her engagement is another subtle reminder that our childhoods are over. oh well. at least there is a wedding to look forward to!

beautify your tongues

stepping stones

“Perhaps the greatest test Bahá’ís are ever subjected to is from each other; but for the sake of the Master they should be ever ready to overlook each other’s mistakes, apologize for harsh words they have uttered, forgive and forget. He strongly recommends to you this course of action.”

(From a letter written on behalf of the Guardian to an individual believer, February 18, 1945; Living the Life, p. 12)

surprisingly, this is something i've been faced with for the past month now. in a number of different formats. and it hasn't been as easy to deal with as i would have thought. but i am trying to overlook other's mistakes and to love them for the sake of God.

"These were people, waiting for their lives to begin, people who for all their manifestations of depression and grunge and loneliness, were secretly full of optimism and promise and the blazing, glorious arrogance of youth. Their mistakes didn't count, because their Real Lives hadn't yet begun. Things could change for them in an instant." --Cathi Hanauer

i feel as though this is quickly becoming no longer applicable to me. i am losing my optimism and far worse, i feel like i'm losing my potential. this in-between stage is a bit of an uncomfortable one. done with school, yet not quite completely an adult just yet. living for myself, yet not as selfishly as before because i need to focus more strongly on being a capable, independent woman. trying to figure out the future, leaving room for spontaneity but knowing full well that sometimes you need some set plans.

i feel like i am wasting my time, slowly atrophying. that even though i have beautiful plans that are being set in motion they are still too far away in the future. all this time that could be used doing something incredibly positive is being wasted. and although i have mini projects that i have been working on, the desire to do more and bigger is still there. thankfully, our 10th ipg starts this weekend. i think a few weekends of intensive teaching, followed by tutoring at project mona sounds like a good cure.