"one of these days i'm going to stay up all night, cleaning my heart of all it's lies"


things that are currently frustrating me:

-- my friends, or lack thereof
-- being continuously left out of things
-- feeling taken advantage of
-- this semester still not being over
-- that the people who i once cared so much about are the ones who are causing me the most pain
-- that the people who i feel the closest to live too far away for me to see them on any kind of regular basis


things that i am thankful for:

-- my parents and their concern
-- my brother who makes me laugh and is amazing
-- my extended family who i have so much love for and wish i could see more often
-- the weekend vacations i've had the opportunity to go on and the beautiful people i've met as a result
-- the experiences that have made this a semester full of growth
-- that i have realized that i am much stronger than i originally thought
-- the life that i'm living, because after my government and politics of africa course, and the videos we've seen, i have no doubt of how lucky i truly am
-- the baha'i faith, no question

my wish list:

-- for graduation to come soon so that i can move onto the next phase of my life
-- to live in haifa
-- for people to appreciate what i have to offer
-- to learn how to be vulnerable and not get as hurt as often as i do
-- to figure out what i truly want in life
-- to keep refining myself so that i can start shining
-- to make something of myself and to make a difference
-- to stop being so selfish
-- for pure, real love
-- to never stop finding the beauty and magic in life
-- the ability to appreciate and savor the current moment
-- to learn how to cook as well as my mom
-- to never give up

"a single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. to live is to be slowly born."
--antoine de saint-exupery


sleeping outside underneath the stars makes my soul expand. being around redwood trees gives me a renewed sense of strength. bosch baha'i school fills me with an overwhelming amount of love.

i am constantly amazed by some of the people i know. i've been so lucky to have met so many positive role models in my lifetime. my priorities are changing. i've been redirected in the right direction. my heart is overflowing with love. i am so thankful. the pieces that make up my true being and essence are slowly finding their way back to me. i'm slowly starting to feel whole again. and it feels so good.

I'm ready for extraordinary.

This whole leading a double life (and then some) thing is getting to be a little tiresome. Not only am I wearing myself out, but I'm starting to lose pieces of myself as well.





Someday I will be a millionaire
I'd rather talk about it then be here
Lately everything it seems so clear

It's that I never want to lie
It's that I wasn't made to lie
No I never want to lie

I want to feel
Like the missing puzzle piece of something that's real
Bring to the table something that's stable
Well I don't need to fool this light
That is such an ugly fight
And I never liked acting much
Anything I do now I need to touch

I'm running around in a costume
It's slowing me down as I'm posturing
myself to gain the wealth of what I'm not

But hey everyone knows it's a costume
Throw it off maybe I'll blossom
Into who it is I was but just forgot

--Touch, A.G.

assimilation

"The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains."
--Paul Simon


I finished reading a very interesting book this past weekend which has raised a lot of thoughts and questions into my mind. Thoughts and questions that it's taken me entirely way too long to realize have always been hidden in the back of my mind. Ones that I've pushed aside because I didn't want to have to examine them.

The book dealt with the idea of not belonging to a culture. And the constant frustrations that develop when in the process of trying to "blend in," you're continuously called out for your "foreignness." And yet, while you're ashamed of this supposed "foreignness" and attempting to "blend in," you're not quite willing to give in. And so in the end, you become a stranger to both cultures. Your native culture no longer feels comfortable and right, and this new one feels just as uncomfortable. So where does that leave you?

It was even more identifiable since it dealt with a Persian family, although I know other cultures deal with this same problem. For years I've struggled to identify myself. I've never felt comfortable around other Persians, ashamed of my accent when trying to speak Farsi, never feeling like my face identified me as a full Persian, never quite knowing just how to behave. And yet the same feelings arise when I'm around Americans. I'm called out because of my different looks. I constantly struggle to find the right words, when what I truly want to say just can't be translated. Yes, I am an immigrant, but what do I truly know of my native land? And where is my native land anyways? Iran, the land of my parents, which I have never set foot in? Italy, the country that provided my birth certificate? Or America, the country that has raised me since I was 2 months old?

In a country that should celebrate our differences, our unique backgrounds and ethnicities, why is it that everyone is just trying to fit in? I am so tired of not knowing where I belong. I am so tired of fumbling to answer other people's ignorant questions.

Right now, I just want to be able to converse with someone in my own mix of my two languages and not have to worry about finding the right words to express what I feel. I want some mahst and polo to fill my still-hungry stomach. And maybe a little old-school Persian music in the background wouldn't hurt at all.

This is the song that you throw on
When life is feeling rather long
And you're longing for confidence to make it

These are the words that make you feel
That all your dreams aren't dreams but real
Events that simply haven't taken place yet

But if you stare high the sky
Will come right down and kiss you
And if you keep your head towards
The stars they will assist you

The world is yours

And this is the time of night
When all the street lights rub their waking eyes
The day and night find compromise in dark blue

This is the magic in the air
That whispers you are almost there
Worries cares and daydreamares will leave soon

What are you waiting for?

The world is yours

--A.G.

into the sea

this rather simple epitaph can save your hide your falling mind
fate isn't what we're up against there's no design no flaws to find
there's no design no flaws to find.

but I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I
know I got this side of me that
wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just
fly the whole mess into the sea.

--"young pilgrims" the shins


Things have been crazy lately. Or to be more accurate, things have been crazy since I've been back from Israel. A little bit of the good kind, and way too much of the not so nice kind. I've been struggling to get my head out of the water before the next wave crashes down. And every time I feel like giving up, buoyancy gets the best of me. Thank goodness.

Last year, Rach and I came up with concept of the unraveling sweater. I'm trying to save mine before the loose thread gets too long to salvage. I think it might just be possible. A little strength will help me. Maybe then, I'll finally be ready to come out of my hiding.

Until then, perseverance...