it's one of those days where i just really need a hug. and my best friends.
a series of days where i have been wrapped up in the past and struggling to discern details that were missed and trying to make sense of fragments and feelings and confusions that have stayed with me for all these years.
a series of days where i don't have as much optimism that my hopes will be turned into reality.
a series of days where i've been replaying memories and trying to figure out how i missed so much when i was in the moment. and then questioning whether it was ever even there in the first place.
--like that time at his brother's wedding, when j told me i looked beautiful and i hated that it was months too late.
--or that time p and i went for a long walk around midtown. exploring new streets and getting lost and laughing and sharing ideas. and i was left wondering why we could never get our act together to make it work.
--the time j took me to lunch and was so full of happiness that i couldn't help but be overjoyed for him and his soon-to-be-wife. and then went home and cried because after years of comparing everyone to him, it was definitely never going to happen.
--the time sallie and i drove to the middle of nowhere to see g at his family reunion. and spent hours laughing in a hotel room with his brothers.
--that month where i was convinced that something was finally going to happen between us, only for e to leave for a summer in mexico and for things to go back to being awkward between us in the fall.
a series of days where i'm questioning all the confusion on my end, all the second-guessing, and awkwardness, and not knowing what to say, and not knowing how to express my feelings, and never being able to fully make sense of a situation. and wondering what it was all supposed to prepare me for.
it's been a series of days where enough has and hasn't happened, that i am certain of the fact that one small, minor incident is going to make me completely break down and sob in the deepest of ways.
