Things I miss so much, it makes my heart hurt:

--all of my extended family
--redwood trees
--stars
--nonstop laughing
--ice cream shops
--bonfires
--big-toothed smiles
--late-night, bed-side chats
--lazy days
--spontaneous hugs
--holding hands
--hikes in the dark
--being serenaded
--not being able to get the smell of campfire out of my hair
--famous milkshakes
--swinging at night
--sleeping outside on a warm, summer's night
--card games
--the feeling you get when your closest friends know your secrets and still love you for being you
--reading all day
--basking in the sun...on the beach...in greece
--gigantic salads with everything in them
--ninjas
--friendship bracelets
--abandoned orchards
--fresh blackberries
--going off-roading in golf carts
--watching the sunset
--sing-alongs
--the beach
--being in love
--nature
--poetry played out in real life
--being so happy i could burst

stead‧fast 
–adjective
1. fixed in direction; steadily directed: a steadfast gaze.
2. firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, etc., as a person: a steadfast friend.
3. unwavering, as resolution, faith, adherence, etc.
4. firmly established, as an institution or a state of affairs.
5. firmly fixed in place or position.

steadfastness
n 1: loyalty in the face of trouble and difficulty


I don't even know where to begin.

The last few days have not been what I originally expected them to be. Something has been off lately, and while I have an idea of what it is, I don't know how to go about fixing it.

I think getting to see Devon was the highlight of my weekend. My heart literally leaped being around him, and yet, while I was so ecstatic to see him, there was this infinite sadness mixed in as well. And hearing him sing...there is a big difference between listening to his voice on cd and hearing him perform live. During each of his performances I was on the verge of tears. Watching him and listening to him brought back so many memories of Bosch and the summer when everything was right, and if not, it was headed in that direction. Devon has this intensity to him when he performs that I've never seen anyone else with. That mixed with his enthusiasm and energy and utmost love for everyone, it all took me back. But he has this new calmness and inner peace to him now, and I envy him so much for that. He's doing exactly what he wants to be doing with his life. Getting caught in the chaos of his celebrity status was exciting.

So being with him took me back to a year and a half ago, when I was very much a different person. Now, how do I go about getting back to that?

I went to bed and woke up with the scent of campfire in my hair. As a result, I slept contentedly with the fondest of memories playing as I drifted to sleep.

Life has been moving at the strangest of paces lately. At high speed and then in slow motion, and the changes have been enough to leave me fumbling to regain my balance quickly enough. Lately it seems as though I've been failing with that.

This fall has been beyond gorgeous. The sky has been the brightest blue and the leaves look radiant. Yet, for some reason, I caught myself thinking about summer while in class the other day. This summer is going to be an interesting time for change, but that is too far away to think about for now. Instead, I'll keep myself immersed in the beauty of fall and prepare my spirit so it doesn't get as cold as the weather.

Work has taken the place of school in my list of priorities. The atmosphere has done well for me. But, I need to get back into the school game. I am beyond ready for this semester to be over. There have been numerous downs this semester and I just have too many good things waiting for me once finals are over.

If fortune cookies come true, today there are good things in store for me. I could certainly use some more good in my life.

Lately, I've been wishing I could see Michael so he could psychoanalyze me and help me figure out what I need to do with my life, where I should live, who I should marry, and just how to be happy. For some reason, he knows me way better than I do.

But since I can't track him down anytime soon, I should learn how to figure this stuff out for myself. I've been so indecisive on everything lately, and it's not any good. If only I had Urim and Thummim.

Oh, Summer...sometimes I think you left me too quickly. But then I realize, it was time. Time to move on, time for change, time for growth and new opportunities, time to heal, time to learn, time to figure out how to refit into my skin. Because the last three summers have taught me how to expand, to live life more fully. But they've also greatly raised my ideals. And it's time to take that expansion, and make it more realistic, more reasonable, while still holding on to the infinite possibilities that it originally contained. I think summers are on my list of the best things that have happened to me lately.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
--Nelson Mandela

So true. A good friend and I were discussing this quote a few days ago, and it always applies to my school situation. To my constant frustrations and struggles. And I always end up changing myself back in order to adapt to my surroundings. And that is the wrong way of going about anything. So, I'm not giving in this time, I'm holding my ground. I have changed, and that is natural and it's what is supposed to happen, and I'm not going to let anyone attack me for that. I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was anymore.

It's funny how the same conversation yields different fruit from different people, and piecing together that information has proved to be wonderful. It's helped me to discover new things about myself. Things I didn't think to be true. People see things in you sometimes that you have no idea you are exuding. And it's comforting and encouraging to hear about them. I have the potential to be strong, so I'm going to take advantage of that strength. And it's time I made some real strides towards becoming the person I want to be, and am supposed to be. Because what that is is becoming more and more clear to me. And while I'm completely ready for a change of scenery, there is still more to learn and I should be ready to dive back into life, head first. But on my terms this time.

Oh, it's a picture of perfection
Ah, and the postcards gonna read
"Fuck yeah we can live like this...
We can live like this"

But if you left it up to me
Everyday would be
A holiday from real
We'd waste our weeks
Beneath the sun
We'd fry our brains
And write it's so much fun out here

"I have reflected many times upon our rigid search. It has shown me...that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us...on the inside, looking out. Like you say, inside out. Jonfen, in this way, I will always be along the side of your life. And you will always be along the side of mine. Our families will be with us, and our families' families. Your grandfather. And perhaps, in some way, my grandfather as well."
--Everything Is Illuminated


It's always when we don't have expectations that things surprise in ways unimaginable. They say time is what keeps things from happening all at once. It seemed as though everything happened this summer, and all at the same time. I needed a break, a chance to refind the peace and tranquility that had been hiding too deep inside of me for so long. And of course, I found it in the place where I've always known it to be--my second home, and in some ways my first home. The last two weeks have been ineffable. Unbelievably amazing. I love the rare chances that I have to truly show my appreciation and love for life and for others. People keep telling me that I'm in the wrong place. I always thought I was just in the wrong frame of mind, but I'm slowly beginning to see that it's a combination of both. So where does that leave me? Should I leave now or wait until after I finish college? I'm still debating this one. Will the promise of future happiness be enough to tide me over or do I need to be happy now?

My whole being is tired. I couldn't sleep last night. After sleeping outside for a week under the stars and moon, it's difficult to sleep in a bed with walls containing me. There is nothing as peaceful as sleeping under the stars with the people you love. Oh why can I never be satisfied? As per the advice of more than a few people I trust, my thoughts are focused on getting back to the place that should be my home as soon as possible, and for as long as possible.

Other than that, I'm so thankful for the "family reunion" that was had. I am relieved that my aunt and uncle are out of Haifa for now, although they are both itching to get back "to the action" as my uncle referred to it as.

And I've been holding out for love ever since I had a heart

i left all my friends at the morning bus stop shaking their heads.
"what kind of life you dream of? you're allergic to love."
--know your onion!, the shins

I've decided that since March 2005 to now has officially been the most emotional year of my life. I didn't think it could be possible to cram that many events and emotions into one year, but it was. Ever since Caswell died, life as I thought I knew it turned upside down. Which isn't to say that it was a bad thing, in fact, it quite possibly was a very necessary thing.

So since then, I've experienced loss in a way I thought I would never have to; found it difficult to end what I thought, at the time, was an amazing school year; went to an extremely beautiful wedding, which I blame as the cause for me later being a little to eager to jump, head first I might add, into love; made my first truly independent move by going to California for most of the summer; learned more about myself in the course of a month and a half than I thought possible; met some of the most amazing young people who had a much bigger influence on me than they could even imagine; added to the number of people I can call my close friends; fell in love with nature, with some incredible friends, and into some sort of love; got depressed over some silly, and some not-so-silly reasons; tried to open up more; learned to trust three beautiful girls who I am incredibly grateful for; spent a beautiful winter break with my extended family and got to see some of my most favorite people and one boy who causes me more confusion and heartache than he knows; shied away from most of the boys I'm friends with for too many reasons, but which proved to be beneficial; and made some kind of decision about where I thought my life should be headed.

I could keep going but enough with the listing. Life never turns out the way you expect it to, and that can be a beautiful thing. If you learn to appreciate it. I'm trying to. A few weeks ago I had a feeling that this summer was going to turn out way different than expected, that something big was going to happen. That feeling has faded quite a bit since then, but I'm still certain that something is going to happen that is going to change everything. I'm already starting to settle into a routine that I'm getting tired of quickly. Hopefully once the weather starts brightening up a little, it'll start to feel more like summer. I really just want a magical summer and I'm worried that might be too much to hope for.

Yesterday, as I was walking through campus, I was reminded of how beautiful UofL's campus is in the spring. Okay, so maybe it's not all that beautiful, but many a Sunday morning/afternoon was spent there growing up, and in that time, the courtyards and huge green lawns seemed more than beautiful to me. I miss Kentucky. Especially during this time of year. I don't know why. Maybe it's not so much missing the place, as the time of my life. Childhood, early adolescence, before the world became too complicated. I miss the simplicity. I've been missing a lot of things lately. The worst is when you miss something or someone who is right there with you. That makes me feel infinitely sad. And I've been living in the past far too much lately. I miss Kentucky, I miss vacations to Haifa and Turkey and Italy, I miss old friends who I haven't seen in years, I miss warm weather (none of this humidity mess) and the sun and the beach, I miss San Jose, and of course I miss Bosch. Oh, for school to be over and summer to come...

you could have it all if you wanted
you could have it all if it mattered so much
but then all they know is how to put you down
when you're there, they're your friend
but then when you're not around
they say, "oh, she's changed"
we know what they mean
well they mean, they're just jealous
because they never do the things
they wish that they could do so well
--"golden touch," razorlight


I feel so immensely tired and I can't understand why. It comes in spurts. And then I get insomnia, go figure. But this tiredness extends past just the physical. It's physical, mental, and emotional. Although the emotional has recently transferred itself to the mental category. And it's not mental exhaustion from classes and absorbing any real, sustainable knowledge. It's more along the lines of having to deal with other people, of being tired of having to socialize, of having to respond to people when I have no idea what to say. Sometimes, life is inane. And right now, I just want to fade into the background, until the right time, place, and people come along to draw me back...

are you lost or incomplete
do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece


The warmer and the nicer the weather gets the more my thoughts turn to summer. I know, I know, I've said this over and over, time and time again. But I sit in class and all I can think about is the summer, and what I want it to be like. The plans I have, the people I want to see, the things I want to do, the places I want to go. And I'm fortunate enough that I know many exciting things are going to take place this summer. Things that will break the routine that past summers have seen. And I'm looking forward to it, I'm anticipating it, I'm craving it. And as long as my expectations don't become overpowering, I'm good. Except for the small fact that there is definitely still 10 weeks left until then. Which is quite some time.

In the here and now though, life has been interesting. I just realized that I always ask people how life's treating them. But wouldn't it be just as correct to ask how they're treating life? Because we do have a great deal of control over the things we decide to do. For the most part.

I'm looking for simplicity among the chaos. And not finding it. And I have no idea where my missing piece, or pieces, might be. I have an idea, but I am too tired and my heart is too heavy to go looking.

I'm thinking it's time to take all the quirks and embrace them.

EMBRACE them and APPRECIATE them.

Possible? I seriously hope so.

I've got a strong craving for a warm summer night with a cool breeze. For a million stars, planets, and satellites, and just the right amount of shooting stars. Because I have a lot of wishes to make. For the sun to shine it's warmth on me and envelop me. For the lazy way the days seem to stretch before you. For the sounds of laughter to float towards me.

I've never anticipated the summer so much. But right now, I really just want this semester to end and for summer to surprise me.

So tired...

Happiness runs in a circular motion...

Situation Number four
The one that left you wanting more
Tantalized you with its bait

SO...

There's been a lot on my mind the last few days. Make that weeks. And what a great series of weeks they've been. I finally had a long overdue road trip through California, and got to enjoy the beaches and the gorgeous weather along the way. As well as some pretty good company. Make that pretty great. And the rain...it was more refreshing than I thought it would be.

My grandmother's house, my aunt's, and Bosch feel more like home than this house does. Which is a kinda odd feeling. I always hate leaving California, I seriously think at some point in my life I need to live on the West Coast. At least for a while.

I'm not looking forward to this semester. Or the next few for that matter. Am I in the right place? Dory is trying to steal me away for a year, and I am seriously considering it. It could be a reinvigorating break. And would give me the opportunity to learn a lot. We'll see.

The biggest reason why winter break was so amazingly awesome is because of the people. My dad's family is crazy and I love it. Even when we go to visit random people who I've never met before in my life, it's great. The love and support is amazing. Speaking of love...I am overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for people. I met some truly amazing people over break, even if I did only spend a few hours with them. Unbelievable! And I got to see more than a couple of people who I love and adore more than anything. My heart was bursting with happiness.

So, now I'm left with more than a few memories of laughter and joy, new friends, increased card skills, a bigger appreciation for Persian music, a fair amount of pictures, a bruise over my eye that is still tender, and a heart that's left behind a couple more, and bigger, pieces. Not too shabby.