things we lost in the fire

during my brother's spring break, i came to a sad realization. i don't recognize my own laugh anymore. unacceptable.

only the boys showed up to study circle last week, and during the course of our study we started talking about the equality of women and men. so i took advantage of the opportunity to impress upon them that this gender equality would only happen when men started fighting for the rights of women. and how important it is for them to help empower and encourage the women in their lives to become stronger. how the girls they go to school with act the way they do because that's how society tells them to behave. they completely understood that men will bring about gender equality, but they struggled to understand my latter points. i so wished that there was a man to better imprint this information on their souls.

so when my best and i cheerfully reunited a few days ago, during the course of our conversations we realized that we had both come to the same, startling conclusion about our lives. and that some serious changes were necessary. and i am terrified for us as we embark on our new adventures, but at the same time i cannot help but to be so optimistic and excited. great things are in store!

even as i say all that, the plans that i have been working on forever (four years of planning, one of actually setting things in motion) are in the process of crumbling. and i am desperately scrambling to pull them back together. my mom says that when things fall apart like this, it's because something even better is supposed to happen. i am struggling to understand this and to accept it. i trust that whatever is meant to happen will. but i know that i have to put in my fair share of the effort to get there.

me, i got nothing. You got plenty something.

remembering

it's been four years since caswell died. it's still hard to believe. he would have been sixteen by now. i wonder how the dynamics of the junior youth/youth group would have been different if he had still been alive. caswell's was the first funeral i ever went to. and the hardest.

whenever i think of caswell, i am reminded of his sarcastic chuckle, the twinkle in his eye and his boundless energy. but most of all, i remember the children's classes i used to teach at his house: of coloring, playing baseball in the front yard with the neighbors, jumping on trampolines in the fading light of dusk, playing tag and hide-and-go-seek in the darkness of the backyard, catching lightning bugs during the summer nights.

take only what you need from it

my dad is doing much better. and i am growing more and more hopeful as the days pass. the weather is gorgeous.

now if only i wasn't so indecisive about major life decisions...




i've been listening to this song for months now. and i still love it.

mother may i?

so...in the chaos of yesterday and the family emergency that occurred, i've (re)learned something about myself and the world around me.

i am a caretaker. not in the traditional sense. and not in the selfless, non-complaining sense.

but this is who i've always been. i've always been the one who keeps tabs on everyone in group situations. i've always been the one that remembers birthdays and events and celebrations. i've always been the one people come to when they need consoling words of advice, encouragement, and whatever else they needed to hear.

and that's all fine and dandy. except for when it comes to give-and-take. because, except for my family, very few people have ever offered to take care of me. most have taken without giving. and i need my own fair share of advice and encouragement and to be remembered every once in a while.

so with that said, thank you to those beautiful individuals who have loved me and taken care of me and maintained a balanced, equal relationship with me. who have always been concerned with my well-being, whether physical or emotional. who have been there, forgive the cliche, through thick and through thin. anne, beth, diane, dory, elyse, emily, mary beth, sallie. i honestly don't know what i would do without you guys.