my feet are growing roots right in the solid ground...

so i have this LOVE/hate relationship with bosch. ever since 1997 when i made my first trip to bosch for a day during the ocean of light conference. i fell in love with the place. fell in love with the bookstore. fell in love with everything about it.

it wasn't until june 2005 that i returned. at 19, i had just finished my first year of college and was convinced that i knew all i needed to know. and yet, i remember at the time wondering how i had ended up spending my summer serving at bosch. i still cannot tell you how i ended up there, it was a mixture of coincidences and events that were not in my control. i am forever grateful for that summer.

that summer was truly enlightening. i learned what it meant to be a true baha'i, what it meant to serve others, what true friendship and love were. my spiritual roots began to grow. and just like the roots of the redwoods intertwine with one another, my roots intertwined with those around me. some of my most true relationships can be traced back to that summer and the summers that followed.

i remember the pain of leaving that summer. how i cried throughout the plane ride home, how i cried for days afterwards. it was so hard to return home. it was even harder to return to school. every summer since has been the same. so much happens at bosch so quickly. so much growth, so many emotions, so many experiences, so many friendships formed and strengthened. and as much as i love bosch, sometimes i hate it. hate living 3,000 miles away from loved ones and the uncertainty of seeing them again. hate the uncertainty of when i will return.

i needed bosch and youth week this year. in a way that was different from past years. so much has changed since that first summer and so much still remains to be changed. so here's to drawing inspiration from the beautiful memories of the past and making future ones all the brighter.

california dreamin'

i'm back in the atl. one week away from youth week, it's almost hard to believe that it actually happened. one week away, it feels more like a beautiful dream than reality.

i don't have the words to adequately describe the last two weeks. just trust me when i say that it was all ineffable. and beautiful. and magical.

there is so much that happened. so much that i still have yet to process. so much that i worry i have already forgotten special moments. i haven't written in my journal since returning from pilgrimage in january of 2007 (which is somewhat ironic as that was the event that caused me to serve as a counselor at youth week 2007). i find myself wishing that i had taken my journal with me.

youth week this year was so different from last year's. it felt different from the beginning. from the moment at the airport when i was reunited with 5 of my loves. from the moment when we all gathered in martha root hall to begin planning the week. it was a challenging week, there is no doubt about that. and yet, how joyous it was to see transformation occur right before our eyes. i cannot count how many times throughout the week i felt my eyes tearing up.

"with great responsibility comes aloneness." i know this all too well. have felt it so intensely this past year. 120 amazing souls were bonded together throughout the course of one week. my heart overflows with love for each of them, particularly for my fellow counselors. i know that i am never truly alone, that i have the support of countless beautiful individuals. and yet, i feel so alone. my heart aches at the uncertainty of not seeing loved ones.

my week in san jose has left a lasting impression as well. storytelling with my grandmother over eight pounds of kabob. a bike ride with tessa to the park to swing and an ice cream stop. an afternoon siesta with all of us lying on the floor bursting with laughter. poring through photo albums with my aunt, great-aunt, and tina. a heart-to-heart with imaan that involved two shooting stars. tight hugs of real love from my great-aunts. an afternoon spent with my aunt involving heartfelt advice.

i have returned with a sense of clearness and confusion. decisions i thought i had made about my life are now hazy. i'm questioning a commitment i have set for june more than ever. my dread to return to school has returned with a greater intensity. this has been a summer of forgiveness and healing, and most of all, of learning. i've used silence as a cover for long enough, i think i might be ready to let myself be vulnerable once again.

"remember this feeling, remember this moment. keep bosch in your heart."