Summer Breeze...

So, lately I've been preoccupied with memories. Which isn't always a bad thing, especially when they're all good ones.

At night, I dream of the summer. Of redwood trees that are so tall, you wouldn't even know how to measure them (we discussed this once). Of a grove that is so dark at night, you could easily play hide-n-go-seek and not find anyone. Of a forest, you can drive a truck through, in reverse. Of the rocks by the stream, where we would lie on the cool surface and discuss everything and anything. Of a hike to where the power lines are, where you can see to the ocean. Of the clearing, where the world becomes silent and you stand in awe. Of a special beach that is unbelievably beautiful. Of the night sky, with stars, planets, and satellites in vast quantities. Of a sky so beautiful, you could easily stay out for hours, just immersed in the beauty of it. Of a group of people who I miss and am constantly overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for.

I've also been thinking about last Christmas. About playing games outside, all of us in our huge winter coats, our cheeks flushed from running around and the harsh cold. Of the wind from the ocean whipping our hair into tangled knots. Of Red Rover, running from the 'blob', and countless other childhood games, resurrected by our inner children.

And a week I spent on a farm in Frankfurt, Kentucky. Of the obstacle course, swinging from the rope swing over a hill, feeding the goats, swimming in the creek, camping out, getting checked for ticks every night, watching The Princess Bride, the most delicious grilled chicken I've ever had, roasted marshmallows and corn.

I wish...

...to experience fall in the suburbs of New England. Because I have extremely romantic ideals for what it could be like. Picturesque streets lined with trees changing color and covered in leaves, houses covered with ivy, families.

...to experience New York during Christmas at least once.

...to go to Africa.

...to be happy and content for the rest of my life.

...to fall in love for real.

...to go to the beach. On the Pacific Coast.

...to lie under the night sky with all of my favorite people.

...for winter break to come as quickly as possible.

It's time.

SO....I'm not really sure what to say. I just know that I said I would update this sometime soon, and that's really the only reason why I'm doing this. Because I have no idea what to say.

I think I'm getting better. I think I'm finally starting to let things go. As hard as it is for me, I know that I need to do this. It's been a month, which is enough time that I figure it means something. Right? I don't even know. I just know enough to know that I'm royally confused on this matter, and have been for the last.....oh, 3 or 4 months. But as much as I'm letting go, I still can't lose my hope that somehow, somewhere down the line, things will change and turn out the way that I want it to. For once, I just want things to work out.

I realized I've lost the little moments. And I'm working on getting them back. Which has been hard with this other thing lurking constantly in the background. But I figure I haven't been letting myself be happy for too long and that definitely needs to change. So the little moments...are slowly coming back and being appreciated as they should be.

Fall Break....I'm so thankful for it at this point. I'm so drained...physically, mentally, and more than anything else emotionally, and I really need this break.

Speaking of breaks, I can NOT wait for Christmas Break. Like at all. And Thanksgiving. Oh, goodness. This semester has been good, but I am just really looking forward to the end of this semester for so many reasons and I am super excited.

Yeah, I can totally see how this entry is going to be confusing to anyone but me. But, maybe that's just the way I roll. Right...

So things are going well. And I have no reason to complain. Whatsoever.

• School is going pretty well right now. Which is good. Classes shouldn't be too bad this semester. Except for Calc 3. Whatever.
• Oh my goodness. Labor Day weekend was amazing! I went to Tennessee and got to hang with some of the coolest people ever. I was reminded of just how glorious the summer was to me. I had a conversation with Dory that helped reassure me a little on some of my recent insecurities. And showed me that maybe I do need to put some things behind me. Maybe not completely, but I can't keep holding on to things. I'm struggling with this one, I don't want to give it up, but more than likely, now's just not the time.
  
• I also got to see Collin over Labor Day weekend, which made me happy. So basically, I was around people from the summer and old friends and new friends. And awesomeness.
• Hmm....
• We moved. I haven't been in the new house with all the furniture in it yet, but it's going to be extremely confusing. Reversal.
• This weekend has been pretty good. I went to a murder mystery dinner theater Thursday night, we had a lot of visitors Friday night, game Saturday night, and I just got back from The Phantom of the Opera at the Fox. Can't ask for better.

I have every reason to be happy right now. I am so lucky. But for whatever reason, I haven't been completely happy. Don't get me wrong, there are moments. But overall...... Maybe I'm thinking too much about the moments when I'm down. I don't know. I don't know at all.

The only dreams I remember anymore are the ones about a certain person. And I have no idea what to make of them.

I long to walk through a redwood forest. To feel the sun enveloping me in its warmth. To know that I was surrounded by love. To not feel doubts or insecurities. To feel comfortable in my own skin. To truly and completely be myself.

All I want is to be able to sit down and have a conversation that for once won't be interrupted by other people, responsibilities, or time. Maybe then I could figure some stuff out.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
--Charlie Brown

Aww.....even peanut butter reminds me of Bosch. And.....so many things. Man, I miss it.

It's a lonely night in Georgia
And everything I do reminds me of being with you

Man....

So the summer is officially over for me and I can say without any doubts that this was the best summer of my life. I couldn't have done or spent my time any better than I did. I've been in the most beautiful place, around the most beautiful people each of whom I've learned so much from. I don't think I've ever met as many incredible people who've touched my life. Jonah asked if I'd gotten my victory, and I think I did. The last month and a half was a time for me to grow and learn and appreciate everything around me. I hope I used it as much as possible. Wednesday night was so great, even though that day was among the weirdest in Bosch history. So many strange things happened. But the bonfire that night was amazing. And then once all the kids went to bed, it just got better. Emily sang a song about me that was incredible, I am so proud of her. And Jonah made up some songs about me that made me smile, a lot. And Jordan played guitar. And we went fishing, and made real hot chocolate. And I was bursting with happiness that night. And Thursday morning, was it really only yesterday, because it feels like so long ago. Thursday morning I got to have some quality talks with Rachel and Dory and Jonah, and I felt so......I can't even describe it. I'm missing Bosch so badly right now, and I miss everyone so much. I'm so thankful that I had the opportunity to go.

I listened to the A Cluster cd on repeat for a long time this afternoon. And we had two old issues of American Baha'i and lo and behold the first one I flipped through had the article about Jonah that made me go to Bosch. I cut it out and plan on keeping it, thank you very much Michael. Today has been so draining. It's been raining all day. I hadn't seen rain in so long. I've felt lost all day. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't watch tv, using the computer is hard enough. I don't have any one to talk to and I'm missing four very special people who mean so much to me. Everything is so different. I've been trying to talk to my mom, mainly because of a conversation I had with Emily, Dory, and Jonah, but she hasn't quite understood what I've been trying to convey. Maybe it's because I feel kinda depressed. I tried explaining why it was so hard for me to be home, and I think she got some of it, but honestly, how can I explain Bosch to her? I feel like I just need to show her through my actions what a positive impact it's had on my life. But I'm still scared that things are going to go back to the way they were before. And I can't have that happen. Rachel and I, and Jonah and I, talked yesterday about how it's difficult to go back home after Bosch, about how things are different, how you're different, and about applying what you've learned to real life. But it all seems so much more difficult now. Now that I am actually at home. I feel so lost. I know it'll get better soon. I think I need to call tonight. Maybe talking to them will help some. Things will get better. But until then, I still have no idea what to do with myself. School....when Jonah and I talked he got me excited about going back to school, not specifically Tech, but school in general. And maybe Dory is right, maybe I should transfer schools, maybe it is something that I need. So school is something that I still don't even want to think about right now. Why is this so hard? I'm going to work on going back for Christmas. And next summer, after Israel and maybe Belize? Wow....I feel so drained and so far away from a few days ago. It's like it was a completely different existence. I wish I could just pick up my family and move out there, just to be closer to those people.

And Dory, you'll be happy to know that I cried during my entire second flight.

Some highlights of the last few days, which have been absolutely wonderful.

• Anton's going away party at Jonah's beach, where we enjoyed a bonfire with ice cream and Pepsi....it doesn't get any better.


• Michael psychoanalyzing me, definitely interesting. I discovered a little about the type of guy that would be good for me to marry according to him. Which is pretty much kinda true.


• The following conversation:

Me: I'm really tired. [lays head on Max's shoulder]

Max: Get off me. You need to keep a two foot distance at all times. Chastity belt!

Me: Chastity belt? Do you know what that is?

Max: Yes. No. Yes. Oh!

[Me and Dory cracking up.]

• Conversations that keep getting interrupted. Because even though they interrupt at the wrong times, it's still worth it.


• The presents Saam gave me when he got here on Saturday: Harry Potter 5 and 6, lavashak from my grandma, and sour punch straws from Rodd. What a great family I have.


• The youth talent show Tuesday night, because the youth who were here were incredibly talented and beautiful.


• The staff talent show we had last night where we totally pulled the orange eating contest on Jordan.


• Jordan reciting Shakespeare to me for a milkshake.


• Getting thrown into the pool by Collin during the pool party....fully clothed.


• Sasha and Cellas giving us the coolest car ride through the forest.


• During the kiss at the end of the magic carpet ride in Aladdin:
  Jonah: "Chastity."
  Emily: "Chastity Belt!"


• Last Wednesday or Thursday, Dory, Jonah, and I went on the most amazing run I have ever been on. It was beautiful. We ran for quite some time and we collapsed once we got to the clearing and just sat there on some tree stumps taking in the view before going in for dinner. Amazing.


• Going to the clearing last night to watch the sunset.


• Star gazing last night. No wild boars this time. And just wonderful. As was the bonfire we had.


• Swinging at night, when all that's around you are the trees and the night sky looks amazing.

There's more, if only I could remember everything. Today should be good. I wish I wasn't leaving soon.

In the words of Yufani, I'm falling on you like rain. Something along the lines of that.

In the words of Dory, the force of your love hits me like a tidal wave. I need some ICE!! Something along the lines of that.

In the words of me, I'm just falling in general. But in a totally good way.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away.
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day.


So, among the many many reasons why I wanted to come to Bosch, there are two that were pretty influential, in some way or another. The first was the fact that Samar had spent a few weeks at Louhelen up in Michigan and absolutely loved it. The second was this article that I read in The American Baha'i sometime last summer or so. It was about the Youth Year of Service Corps, specifically here at Bosch. It was an awesome article about this guy, Jonah, who was serving and just everything about Bosch and serving here and all this amazing stuff. After I read it, I was excited to do something like that. I messed around with the idea of coming to Bosch and working here, but didn't think I'd go through with it.

So, being here is amazing. But, here's the coolest thing that's happened in the last few days. That guy, Jonah, he's back here. For a few weeks. It's amazing. Here's this guy that I read about and is part of the many reasons why I'm here right now, and now I have the opportunity to be around him. That sounds so weird all typed up, but it makes sense in my head. Anyways, with Kris gone for her daughter's graduation, and with Jonah here, the entire dynamic of working in the bookstore has changed. It's amazing and I love it.

Nights are still by far, without a doubt, my favorites. I love love love it here. And it's only been a week. :)

Shine Your Light On Me

SO... Yesterday... Kris took David and I out to the "waterfalls" to say some prayers before we opened up the bookstore. It was awesome. The path was amazing and the stream was gorgeous and peaceful.

Last night... Emily, Elham, Dory, Brittany, Devon and I decided to go star gazing because the sky looked amazingly beautiful. We went to this meadow area and just lay there looking at the stars and talking. We saw a ton of shooting stars, which was so cool. We said some prayers, which was nice. Right as we got up to head to bed, there was this huge shooting star. It left the longest trail and was so bright. No joke. It was gorgeous.

He told me I looked beautiful and I wanted to cry.

We went to the Persian restaurant tonight and I swear there is nothing better than overhearing a table of white, young adults talking about their favorite Persian dishes and how they have never tasted better rice. Our waitress was from Turkey and we talked to her about Izmir and talked a little in Turkish. I really hope we take a trip back there sometime. Maybe next summer? That would be nice. On the way home, we saw fireworks from 316 and pulled into a parking lot to watch them. The weather was gorgeous, nice and breezy. I love summer.

Beautiful.

That pig has nipples! I told you I was your daddy!

So this past weekend....was definitely not what I expected it to be. And that's the way I like it. It was so much better than what I thought it had the potential to be. And that's the way I like it. At the last minute, my parents decided not to go, so it was just me, Armin, and Nissa. But, as soon as we got there we were around the (great!) committee members. There weren't as many youth there, but the few that were there were pretty dang awesome in their own unique ways. I laughed a lot thanks to them. Plus, next time I'm in Dekalb, I'm sure I'll see more than a few familiar faces. I learned a fair amount and my interest was sparked to do some research on a number of topics, so that's good. The most important thing about this weekend though was that I was surrounded by genuinely awesome people, and that is always a great realization. Didn't take very many pictures, but for those who are interested the few we did take are located here.

Tomorrow, I think Ellington and Sofie are coming over and we're taking care of them for the day. We'll see how that goes. And my grandma is coming tomorrow night from California and staying for a few weeks before she leaves (and takes me with her!).

That's about it.

I took the longest road to get back to you...

It's been just about two months since I last updated....unbelievable...I used to be so addicted to this thing. But I really needed those two months to think. And have they been full, of everything.

So the last time I updated....that would be the day that Caswell died. Which I still am not sure I have fully grieved, mourned, and recovered from. Part of it is from having been at school and so far removed from everyone. I know when I see his family, it'll hit me all over again, and I think I need that. Caswell's death was the first time anyone I had ever known had died. Just the knowledge that someone so young, vibrant, full of life, full of potential, and with what we thought was a long journey ahead of him, was taken from all of us was incredibly hard to deal with. But through Cas's death and funeral, I learned so much more about appreciating life and to make the most of every moment.

Spring Break came immediately after. And it was beautiful. A few days in Gulf Shores, Alabama enjoying the beach and some of my most favorite people in the world. I got to know some people better and enjoyed myself immensely. I think that started the few weeks of absolute peace that we all enjoyed. Things were just much more light-hearted after that.

So now that school is over (when did we get so old that we're done with our first year of college?), it's only fitting that I do and end-of-the-year retrospect of everything that happened. Unfortunately, I don't have a list of things I learned from this year....we'll leave that list from senior year to stand alone, as it should. This past year...taught me a lot. About myself, other people, how to live my life.....loads. I've advanced as far as gaining confidence goes. I'm more sure of myself and at the same time, less sure of myself. But I'm comfortable with that. I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life, but I have definite ideas about the type of person I would like to be and the family I want to raise. I've made the best friends in the world. And that to me, is huge. I let myself open up to other people, to the possibility of getting hurt, and was pleasantly surprised. I don't think I could ask for any better. I strengthened my relationship with two people who I have known for a long time, and who both mean so much more to me now than before. I've met the most amazing people ever through the PS's. Hanging around them makes me the happiest. Just being around them is a blessing. It makes me question how things would have been different if I had gone to Oxford, but I think Tech is the best place for me for right now. But these kids.....wow. They are brilliant, amazing, ineffable, and I love every minute I get to spend with them.

This summer is going to be difficult, just because of what I've lost, but I'm going to make the most of it. I've gained a great group of friends, of best friends, of people I can count on. I'm not going to lose touch with them. And when we get back together, it's going to be great. Plus, I've got my friends here who I haven't seen in forever and still love. So everything's good.

There is so much more I wanted to say and write and get out Because it is a thousand pities never to say what one feels...(Mrs. Dalloway Virgina Woolf) but those things can be said at another time. But I did want to include this. From April 11th (a particularly beautiful night):

I have something like three weeks left of school. Three weeks left of my first year of college. Everything is going to be so different next year. The dynamics will change so much. We're not all going to be living down the hall from each other, a floor apart, across the quad. I won't be seeing all the people I'm friends with in the dining hall. The challenge of filling up a table in Brittain will be gone, spending beautiful afternoons in the Quad will be a thing of the past, late night Frisbee, movies in people's rooms, hanging in the halls of Glenn and Harrison, brushing teeth togther, making so much noise that people start yelling at us, Jeopardy, Saturday nights at Chipotle, hanging in the lounge watching t.v., playing minigolf, doing cartwheels, having skipping contests, spending time with the best group of people imaginable...all these things will be taken from me soon, and I want to spend as much time as possible doing everything, talking to everyone, enjoying everything and every moment as often as possible and as fully as possible. Because this year has been incredible. It's blown me completely away. The people I've met and become friends with. The memories I've made. Amazing. And I want to hold on to that for as long as possible. Diane and I were talking a few weeks ago about how quickly life goes by, how much we've grown up, how far away from childhood we've come and how close to being grownups we are. I want to enjoy this journey as much as possible. As much as I don't want to grow up, I want the ability to be able to enjoy everything that happens to me between now and then. I want the capacity to be as open minded as possible, to let things happen, and to be okay with them. I want to find that perfect balance between enjoying it all and still maintaining my responsibilities. I want to feel in control of things yet still have as many spontaneous moments as possible. I want to be able to find beauty in every person I meet, every place I go, everything I learn, every experience that I go through. I think that once I get to that point, I will truly be able to say that I love life and am living it to the fullest. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.