oh, you know...

it's one of those days where i just really need a hug. and my best friends. 

a series of days where i have been wrapped up in the past and struggling to discern details that were missed and trying to make sense of fragments and feelings and confusions that have stayed with me for all these years.

a series of days where i don't have as much optimism that my hopes will be turned into reality.

a series of days where i've been replaying memories and trying to figure out how i missed so much when i was in the moment. and then questioning whether it was ever even there in the first place.

--like that time at his brother's wedding, when j told me i looked beautiful and i hated that it was months too late.

--or that time p and i went for a long walk around midtown. exploring new streets and getting lost and laughing and sharing ideas. and i was left wondering why we could never get our act together to make it work.

--the time j took me to lunch and was so full of happiness that i couldn't help but be overjoyed for him and his soon-to-be-wife. and then went home and cried because after years of comparing everyone to him, it was definitely never going to happen.

--the time sallie and i drove to the middle of nowhere to see g at his family reunion. and spent hours laughing in a hotel room with his brothers. 

--that month where i was convinced that something was finally going to happen between us, only for e to leave for a summer in mexico and for things to go back to being awkward between us in the fall.

a series of days where i'm questioning all the confusion on my end, all the second-guessing, and awkwardness, and not knowing what to say, and not knowing how to express my feelings, and never being able to fully make sense of a situation. and wondering what it was all supposed to prepare me for.

it's been a series of days where enough has and hasn't happened, that i am certain of the fact that one small, minor incident is going to make me completely break down and sob in the deepest of ways.

"Hang in there. It is astonishing how short a time it can take for very wonderful things to happen."
--Frances Hodgson Burnett

fasting | slowing

the fast is one of my favorite times. a time when things slow down, for contemplation, redirection, and change, for realignment.

this year...has been different. life hasn't slowed down it's pace, leaving this special time of year feeling so very different.

but on the brink of some very big decisions to make, i find that i am doubting myself and doubting change. and so i'm struggling to trust myself, to trust that things happen for a reason, and to trust that, invariably, things happen the way they are supposed to.

one thing that i am certain of is that in my life i have been blessed to cross paths with truly amazing people. and that i am so thankful for the people who have come into my life in the  nearly three years since i moved to north carolina. and that no matter what happens, there will always be kindred spirits to meet and be inspired by.

27

in a few short days, i will celebrate another birthday. i have mixed feelings about this one.

for the last few years, i've been excited about turning 27. i always had a feeling that 27 would bring about some major milestones. i had grand hopes for it and wasn't at all deterred by the fact that it was so close to the supposedly dreaded thirty.

but now on the brink of 27, i have my doubts. this past year has been a difficult one. full of frustration, tears, doubt, and anger. but it has also been a year for incredible people to work their way into my heart.

i am ready for some positive changes. i am ready for these growing pains to lead to joy. but with that comes effort. and a clear vision. and wisdom. and, most importantly, a pure heart.

so this year will be a year full of magic and joy and transformation. it has been decided.