places|people|things|concepts missed...

• closet; house in Wolf Creek, Louisville, Ky
• swing over the clearing, creek; Rome Farm, Frankfort, Ky
• Haifa, Israel
• sincerity
• Turkey: Istanbul, Edirne, Izmir, call for prayer, the sea, being surrounded by family
• Woodruff 219: camarilla magic, living with my best friends, comfortable and natural interactions, intertwined bodies
• innocence
• childlike awe
• home: San Jose, Ca; Louisville, Ky; now
• laughing uncontrollably
• Bosch: redwoods, swings, stars, comfort, encouragement, love--unconditional and strengthening
• being serenaded with music by friends
  

when words are not enough...

this past weekend

i want to just rewind and pause

for days.

there is so much about it that i don't think i can begin to grasp.

because it was beautiful and inspiring and full of love.

and love is all that matters.

between serving as an usher and a recorder, there wasn't too much downtime for me to hang out with my loves from all over the south. and while i do wish there had been more time, it was enough. enough to see that being together makes us happy. that serving is what we were meant for.

there were six of my loves from bosch 2005 there. and while there wasn't an opportunity for all of us to be together at the same time, it was enough that we were all there.

after the workshop on sunday, i was walking into our meeting with the senior institute members in the aptly named authority boardroom, and suddenly became overwhelmed by the fact that i was in a room with five of the counsellors, three members of the national spiritual assembly and several auxiliary board members. what else is there to say?

without a doubt, one of the best weekends ever. what a perfect way to end my college career and the year.

so thankful.

things that have been keeping me sane recently:

--near daily e-mails with my brother and my bestest
--frequent e-mails from brazil
--getting readings done for class on time
--hanging out with mike, jonathan and heather in the office
--the thought of thanksgiving dinner
--having heat in the apartment
--getting to go home every once in a while
--weekly lunch dates with my brother
--comfortable silences with my bestest

striving towards...

warmth
color
light
truth
purity
sincerity
radiance

last week marked the halfway point and was followed by the gloriousness that is fall break. the last two weeks have been fantabulous. from spending a weekend full of star gazing and hiking with my bestest to spending fall break at disney world with the family. i could gush about how happy disney world makes me, about how great it is to see the beautiful families and how excited and happy everyone is. about the awe that surrounds the entire place. so fabulous and i am so looking forward to one day taking my own family there.

eight weeks away from graduation and i still have no idea what i'm going to do. right now though, i am satisfied thanks to a stomach full of chinese food and a night spent laughing with two of my favorites. life is on the right track for now and things are going just swell.

the times they are a-changin'

"and he said times, they gotta change,
but so do we

when i woke i was alive in somebody's room
i felt life and love and hope infested my bones

wake up you've got a lot of things to do
wake up the sun is rising without you"

--"quiet as a mouse," margot & the nuclear so and so's



the last few days have been a whirl of emotions and thoughts. except for friday night, my weekend turned out to be nothing like what i expected.

saturday night was spent in a planning meeting that brought together youth from the three 'a' clusters in georgia. actions are being taken to bring together the youth and to push us into the forefront of the faith. this feels so right and i am so glad to be a part of this. we met again last night. i had forgotten how beautiful it was to pray with other young souls and to speak of Baha'u'llah.

sunday night was spent at emory in a room of strangers, listening to andy grammer. i was reminded of the first time i heard andy sing: in martha root hall, in a room full of people that i didn't know, but that just a few years later would play so instrumental a role in my life.

i can feel the winds of change. both within myself and the way i think, and within the outisde community. it's all moving towards better. and there is so much to be excited for.

when i grow up...

careers/fields i've considered throughout the years:

• marine biologist
• health care
• journalism
• publishing
• teaching
• summer camp owner/director
• librarian

careers/fields that i have been told i would be good at by family, friends, bosses, and random strangers:

• nursing
• physician's assistant
• teaching
• lawyer
• counseling
• writer
• life coach
• psychologist
  
• student activities director
• dentist

oh goodness...

time has been passing swiftly by, bringing me all the more closer to the confusion that lies ahead for december. summer weather is quickly turning to fall and that is more than okay. fall has always been the time when resolutions seem most pertinent to me. i finally wrote some down and striving towards achieving those resolutions is giving me some sense of purpose.

days have been either too full or too empty recently, but sunday was pretty much the perfect way to celebrate the winding down of summer. the morning was spent co-tutoring book 1 for the junior youth followed by a cook-out with the community. hot dogs were roasted by the little ones and enjoyed in the comfort of the playground. we got just enough mosquito bites to make it feel like a southern summer day without it becoming unbearable. the afternoon was spent going door-to-door teaching as part of our cluster's 9th cycle of growth and a handful of my junior youth showed up.

victories have been plentiful, especially when viewed in the right light.

on feeling it...

it's always interesting to see how the same event plays itself out each year. to see what changes and what stays the same. how each year the format is the same and yet the feel is different. how each year the numbers have grown stronger until we have officially outgrown our usual conference center. watching new friendships made and old friendships strengthened.

i love tennessee. i love the people, the mountains. i love that for the last five years, tennessee has allowed me to meet some amazing people and to strengthen my friendships with them.

this year was different. i am grateful for the subtle, gentle reminders. i am grateful for finally seeing where i need to be come june. and i am grateful that i am finally starting to understand detachment.

my long weekend was spent teaching nine to eleven year olds about devotional gatherings. i think they taught me as much as i taught them. it was so heart-warming to see this group of 16 kids so eager to say prayer after prayer and to fall in love with their little quirks. sunday afternoon was the highlight of my weekend. watching them consult with one another to plan our evening presentation and then going outside to play and being attacked into a group hug. priceless.

i am thankful for sunday night: children's class presentations. a soul-stirring concert. dancing for hours without inhibitions in a crowded, sweaty room of beautiful spirits. gathering 40 youth in waffle house at 1 am. chatting till 3 am with three of my favorites.

i am making every effort to 'feel it' on a regular basis.

my feet are growing roots right in the solid ground...

so i have this LOVE/hate relationship with bosch. ever since 1997 when i made my first trip to bosch for a day during the ocean of light conference. i fell in love with the place. fell in love with the bookstore. fell in love with everything about it.

it wasn't until june 2005 that i returned. at 19, i had just finished my first year of college and was convinced that i knew all i needed to know. and yet, i remember at the time wondering how i had ended up spending my summer serving at bosch. i still cannot tell you how i ended up there, it was a mixture of coincidences and events that were not in my control. i am forever grateful for that summer.

that summer was truly enlightening. i learned what it meant to be a true baha'i, what it meant to serve others, what true friendship and love were. my spiritual roots began to grow. and just like the roots of the redwoods intertwine with one another, my roots intertwined with those around me. some of my most true relationships can be traced back to that summer and the summers that followed.

i remember the pain of leaving that summer. how i cried throughout the plane ride home, how i cried for days afterwards. it was so hard to return home. it was even harder to return to school. every summer since has been the same. so much happens at bosch so quickly. so much growth, so many emotions, so many experiences, so many friendships formed and strengthened. and as much as i love bosch, sometimes i hate it. hate living 3,000 miles away from loved ones and the uncertainty of seeing them again. hate the uncertainty of when i will return.

i needed bosch and youth week this year. in a way that was different from past years. so much has changed since that first summer and so much still remains to be changed. so here's to drawing inspiration from the beautiful memories of the past and making future ones all the brighter.

california dreamin'

i'm back in the atl. one week away from youth week, it's almost hard to believe that it actually happened. one week away, it feels more like a beautiful dream than reality.

i don't have the words to adequately describe the last two weeks. just trust me when i say that it was all ineffable. and beautiful. and magical.

there is so much that happened. so much that i still have yet to process. so much that i worry i have already forgotten special moments. i haven't written in my journal since returning from pilgrimage in january of 2007 (which is somewhat ironic as that was the event that caused me to serve as a counselor at youth week 2007). i find myself wishing that i had taken my journal with me.

youth week this year was so different from last year's. it felt different from the beginning. from the moment at the airport when i was reunited with 5 of my loves. from the moment when we all gathered in martha root hall to begin planning the week. it was a challenging week, there is no doubt about that. and yet, how joyous it was to see transformation occur right before our eyes. i cannot count how many times throughout the week i felt my eyes tearing up.

"with great responsibility comes aloneness." i know this all too well. have felt it so intensely this past year. 120 amazing souls were bonded together throughout the course of one week. my heart overflows with love for each of them, particularly for my fellow counselors. i know that i am never truly alone, that i have the support of countless beautiful individuals. and yet, i feel so alone. my heart aches at the uncertainty of not seeing loved ones.

my week in san jose has left a lasting impression as well. storytelling with my grandmother over eight pounds of kabob. a bike ride with tessa to the park to swing and an ice cream stop. an afternoon siesta with all of us lying on the floor bursting with laughter. poring through photo albums with my aunt, great-aunt, and tina. a heart-to-heart with imaan that involved two shooting stars. tight hugs of real love from my great-aunts. an afternoon spent with my aunt involving heartfelt advice.

i have returned with a sense of clearness and confusion. decisions i thought i had made about my life are now hazy. i'm questioning a commitment i have set for june more than ever. my dread to return to school has returned with a greater intensity. this has been a summer of forgiveness and healing, and most of all, of learning. i've used silence as a cover for long enough, i think i might be ready to let myself be vulnerable once again.

"remember this feeling, remember this moment. keep bosch in your heart."

shine on

last night we had a meeting for the youth and young adults of our cluster, of which there are 40+. 11 people showed up. 9 of which are from my community and the neighboring community. it was frustrating to say the least. reminded me all too well of the georgia tech baha'i club, where we have about 15 baha'is on campus, and no one shows up to anything.

anyways, we talked a lot about how we cannot be reliant on anyone else to do the work of the faith for us. how the entire weight of the world is on our shoulders. and not on our collective shoulders, but on each individual's shoulder. the entire weight of the world is on my shoulders. i can't just sit back and wait for someone else to do the work. last night put a lot of things back in perspective for me.

recently, many of my conversations with dear ones has revolved around the topic of independence, strength, and respect. i've learned so much from the hardships that were endured a few months ago. and there is still so much to learn. i'm ready.

hopes for the next two weeks:
--to sleep outside under the stars at least once
--to spend as much time with my grandmother as possible
--to visit maya
--to spend at least one afternoon at the beach
--to lie under the santa cruz stars
--to fall in love with 17 other individuals
--to not hold back
--to enjoy every single moment of youth week
--to not take anything for granted

summer themesong

lately...

so there are only five weeks of summer left, and that kinda scares me. because that means in five weeks, i will be living back at school, and subsequently dealing with the drama that i have come to associate with georgia tech. trust me, it's not fun. plus, there is still the dilemma of what to do with my life after graduation in december. but, this is all five weeks from now, and not now. the summer has been good and there is still time to enjoy it.

some highlights:

--field day my junior youth group planned for the children's class
--junior youth dessert fundraiser
--late night trampoline jumping under the stars with some of my favorites
--watching armin deliver his salutatorian speech at his graduation
--stone mountain with the family, grandmother and aunt: a little girl walks by with her family and enthusiastically smiles and waves at us, yelling "hi family!"
--euro cup
--hanging out with my bestest
--random, spontaneous hangouts with nissa and danesh
--hours spent with armin and fitzgerald
--laughing with my family
--the children's class i've had the bounty of helping out with
--california in a little over a week

some regrets:

--missing vicki and randall's wedding
--letting mileage and gas prices get in the way of seeing people i care about
--not making it to chapel hill
--lack of pool time
--not getting outside as much as i would have liked
--too few junior youth get-togethers

so, my goal is to make the most of the next five weeks and to not take them for granted. totally doable.

i've been thinking about resuscitating my old blog for a while now. just starting over fresh. but then i realized that i couldn't just neglect my previous blog. so i've copied over some of my old posts, starting with the end of my first year of college. i feel as though they help to explain this most current approximation of who i am and the direction i'm heading in.

i want so much more...

there might be hope for me yet...

when my alarm went off at 6 am this morning and i woke up to the sound of devon singing the morning prayer, i felt wonderful, restful. i spent an hour eating my breakfast and saying my prayers, ready to start my day of studying.

instead, i came online, where i've spent an hour peering into the lives of others. no one else in the apartment is awake, so it's just me in my room with the lights on. it's snowing outside and the sound of the snow/sleet is oh so comforting.

as i was looking at pictures of other people's lives, i was struck by the thought, "i am so excited for my life." immediately, i was taken aback. what a strange thought to hit me. but maybe not so. all my life i've been a dreamer. i read books far more than i actually participated in life. deep down, i have this feeling that life has some excitement and magic in store for me. i hope i'm not imagining this feeling, and i hope i'm wide-eyed enough to see it when it happens.

life has been tough these past few months. i've felt more lonely and hurt than i ever have. and yet, things are slowly turning around. i am turning around. i feel myself becoming stronger. i'm still hopeful for the future, but for right now, i'm going to revel in my solitude on this quiet saturday morning, with the snow falling and my schoolwork awaiting.

i was your silver lining but now i'm gold

My horoscope for this week:

Put on the oversize shades because life is about to light up in a big way. A sudden opportunity that can change your life is coming for you. With a series of eclipses starting in Aquarius on the 6th, you are about to begin a two-year cycle that will put you on a definitive path toward happiness. Celebrate all victories this week, no matter how small.


I hope the sudden opportunity that can change my life is the one I'm hoping for. But really, who can argue with beginning a definitive path toward happiness?

I'm pulling out the sunglasses because I am so ready.