I took the longest road to get back to you...

It's been just about two months since I last updated....unbelievable...I used to be so addicted to this thing. But I really needed those two months to think. And have they been full, of everything.

So the last time I updated....that would be the day that Caswell died. Which I still am not sure I have fully grieved, mourned, and recovered from. Part of it is from having been at school and so far removed from everyone. I know when I see his family, it'll hit me all over again, and I think I need that. Caswell's death was the first time anyone I had ever known had died. Just the knowledge that someone so young, vibrant, full of life, full of potential, and with what we thought was a long journey ahead of him, was taken from all of us was incredibly hard to deal with. But through Cas's death and funeral, I learned so much more about appreciating life and to make the most of every moment.

Spring Break came immediately after. And it was beautiful. A few days in Gulf Shores, Alabama enjoying the beach and some of my most favorite people in the world. I got to know some people better and enjoyed myself immensely. I think that started the few weeks of absolute peace that we all enjoyed. Things were just much more light-hearted after that.

So now that school is over (when did we get so old that we're done with our first year of college?), it's only fitting that I do and end-of-the-year retrospect of everything that happened. Unfortunately, I don't have a list of things I learned from this year....we'll leave that list from senior year to stand alone, as it should. This past year...taught me a lot. About myself, other people, how to live my life.....loads. I've advanced as far as gaining confidence goes. I'm more sure of myself and at the same time, less sure of myself. But I'm comfortable with that. I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life, but I have definite ideas about the type of person I would like to be and the family I want to raise. I've made the best friends in the world. And that to me, is huge. I let myself open up to other people, to the possibility of getting hurt, and was pleasantly surprised. I don't think I could ask for any better. I strengthened my relationship with two people who I have known for a long time, and who both mean so much more to me now than before. I've met the most amazing people ever through the PS's. Hanging around them makes me the happiest. Just being around them is a blessing. It makes me question how things would have been different if I had gone to Oxford, but I think Tech is the best place for me for right now. But these kids.....wow. They are brilliant, amazing, ineffable, and I love every minute I get to spend with them.

This summer is going to be difficult, just because of what I've lost, but I'm going to make the most of it. I've gained a great group of friends, of best friends, of people I can count on. I'm not going to lose touch with them. And when we get back together, it's going to be great. Plus, I've got my friends here who I haven't seen in forever and still love. So everything's good.

There is so much more I wanted to say and write and get out Because it is a thousand pities never to say what one feels...(Mrs. Dalloway Virgina Woolf) but those things can be said at another time. But I did want to include this. From April 11th (a particularly beautiful night):

I have something like three weeks left of school. Three weeks left of my first year of college. Everything is going to be so different next year. The dynamics will change so much. We're not all going to be living down the hall from each other, a floor apart, across the quad. I won't be seeing all the people I'm friends with in the dining hall. The challenge of filling up a table in Brittain will be gone, spending beautiful afternoons in the Quad will be a thing of the past, late night Frisbee, movies in people's rooms, hanging in the halls of Glenn and Harrison, brushing teeth togther, making so much noise that people start yelling at us, Jeopardy, Saturday nights at Chipotle, hanging in the lounge watching t.v., playing minigolf, doing cartwheels, having skipping contests, spending time with the best group of people imaginable...all these things will be taken from me soon, and I want to spend as much time as possible doing everything, talking to everyone, enjoying everything and every moment as often as possible and as fully as possible. Because this year has been incredible. It's blown me completely away. The people I've met and become friends with. The memories I've made. Amazing. And I want to hold on to that for as long as possible. Diane and I were talking a few weeks ago about how quickly life goes by, how much we've grown up, how far away from childhood we've come and how close to being grownups we are. I want to enjoy this journey as much as possible. As much as I don't want to grow up, I want the ability to be able to enjoy everything that happens to me between now and then. I want the capacity to be as open minded as possible, to let things happen, and to be okay with them. I want to find that perfect balance between enjoying it all and still maintaining my responsibilities. I want to feel in control of things yet still have as many spontaneous moments as possible. I want to be able to find beauty in every person I meet, every place I go, everything I learn, every experience that I go through. I think that once I get to that point, I will truly be able to say that I love life and am living it to the fullest. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.