optimist?

"but if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
and if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before?
how am i gonna be an optimist about this?"
--pompeii, bastille


things that i've lost over the years:
--my loud, loud laugh
--my ability to be outgoing and silly
--stories of some of our most memorable/outrageous escapades
--easily falling in love with people, places, mannerisms, quirks
--optimism
--storytelling/writing skills
--generosity
--curiosity
--spontaneity
--a myriad of other less tangible things


of course, as we get older, we change. sometimes those changes are sudden, and other times, incredibly gradual. this is the way things work. but sometimes, you look back and it's alarming how much things have changed. how much you have changed. in some ways, for the better. and in some ways, not so much.

the last few months, i've been thinking a lot of how i've changed. there's certain qualities i've lost over the years. what's most interesting though, is that some of these are qualities that i consider to be my most defining. and yet, they no longer are. so what does that mean?

there have been two weekends in the last six weeks where i felt like an older version of myself. it was so freeing. and perfect. i felt like me. i was surrounded by some of my most favorite people (which always helps) and my heart was so full of love and happiness. i could literally feel it expanding to contain all of the excitement and laughter and love. it was beautiful. and encouraging.

i can get back to that. i will get back to that.